Why am I so needy and what can I do to chill out?
You are needy. You can’t stand it when you don’t have your partner or someone else around. The good part is that you have acknowledged that you are needy. The bad part is that there is work to do. Read this post to find out why you may be needy and what you can do to reduce it. I am going to assume that this neediness is with your partner, but it could be another family member, a friend or even your pet! Apply this to whoever you are being so needy towards.
You focus too much of your happiness on your relationship
You are putting all of your eggs in the one basket. You feel that your relationship with this person is all that matters, and you couldn’t care less about spending time anywhere else. This person is basically your life. This is not a good way to cultivate a long relationship between two people and instead is going to cause friction as the other partner wants to try new things or have their own space in the future. You need to find a way to find happiness in things outside of your relationship.
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You are scared that you will get hurt
This is a big one. Maybe you have been hurt before and you fear that it will happen again. Maybe you didn’t put in as much effort in the last relationship and now you never want it to happen again. Either way you are scared of getting hurt. This is ok and totally normal. What is not normal is being so needy and smothering the other person. Ultimately if you are so needy that the other person is scared off, you are going to get hurt anyway. So you might as well work on letting your friendship and love grow without having to constantly engage in it.
You are anxious about other relationships
You are comfortable with your partner. You do not want to spend time with other relationships that need to be cultivated. You have the fear of the unknown with your other relationships. You might actually have anxiety that you need to address. You can find out more by reading my post on why am I so anxious? Put yourself out there and learn to embrace the uncertainty of hanging out with other people.
You have the fear of abandonment
Another tough one. The fear of abandonment most likely relates to something in your past. Maybe a friend or family member left you hanging and now you fear it again and again. Your fear of abandonment causes you to act in a way that is one day going to leave you feeling abandoned once again. Whether the other person leaves or not, there is going to be a day where they want to experience something outside of your relationship, leaving you with the feeling of abandonment or betrayal. Learn to accept this fear for the good of your relationship.
You have trust issues
Ouch. Is it the other person you don’t trust? If so you need to work on the reasons why you don’t trust this person otherwise the relationship will never last. If it is something that they have done in the past then you need to work on getting through this together. Maybe your trust issues have nothing to do with your partner and you just struggle to trust people. This would mean that it is something that you need to work on alone because you need to be able to trust people in life – regardless of whether it is your partner or not.
What Can I do to stop being so needy?
There are heaps of ways to stop being so needy. Check out a few of the top reasons I have noted below.
Share the love! Find other friends to spread the load
A great way to reduce your behaviour of being so needy is to spread the load with other friends and family members. Maybe you can start to spend time with that friend that you have been wanting to see? Spend time with other people and you will find that you actually aren’t as needy as you first thought. People won’t find that you are as needy if you are splitting your time across more people!
Find and embrace a hobby or pastime
Get out there and spend some time doing something you enjoy! This needs to be something without your partner / other person as you need to spend time apart realising that there is more to life than this one relationship. Play a sport, pick up an instrument or learn a language. There is a long list of things you can do to take your mind off of being needy.
You need to work on your trust issues. Whether it is a fear of abandonment or being hurt – you need to understand that bad things will happen in life, but we need to risk it. We need to trust ourselves and others to do the best we can. Sure, people may break their trust, but it is up to us to decide what to do once that trust is broken. We cannot fear them breaking trust as it hasn’t happened yet.
Practice being on your own
Spend time alone. Find a good TV show, go out for a nice walk, exercise. Anything that you can do on your own without someone with you. While you are doing it, make sure you aren’t on the phone messaging anyone else either! Put yourself out there and learn to accept that life is ok solo.
Set a schedule of when you will have contact with your partner
You can even set times of when you are going to see or have contact with your partner. Work out a suitable schedule and stick to it. Maybe it means that you are no longer messaging throughout the day. Maybe it means that you dedicate time apart each week. Whatever works for you. The important thing is to lessen the amount of time you spend with each other. This will give your partner the space they need, and give you the chance to learn how to not be so needy!
Get started today and stop being so needy
It is great that you want to work on reducing your neediness. This is the first step of a massive journey to more independence. Practice and keep trying until you find what works for you. I know you can do it. Feel free to comment below with some of the things that helped you to stop being so needy – remember we are all on this journey together so what works for you might also work for someone else.
About the author – Stef – Positive Living and Mental Health Advocate
Stef is a positive living and mental health advocate who dedicates much of his free time to improving his own and others mental health. Never miss a post by subscribing to the blog for free. Just pop your email address into the form on this page to sign up! Follow me on Instagram for inspiring mental health posts. Click here to check out my Insta and remember to click follow!